BOBBIE'S BEAT: War of the sexes

Bobbie Lippman

Well now, it seems last week’s day brightener fell short of a few tidbits. Readers let me know I didn’t use “the whole thing” and bam, new material came rolling in — plus people more or less pleading “please don’t quit, please don’t give up, especially now when we all need something other than bad news.” 

Here are additional funnies for you.

       

Eating Out (source unknown)

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in 20 bucks, even though it’s only for $32.50.  None of the men will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.  However, when women get the bill, out come the calculators.

That little story is a reminder of one of my own. Picture my husband, Burt, and me enjoying dinner at a Mexican restaurant somewhere in L.A. In the booth across from us are four women who have just finished eating when the waitress places their bill on the table. One woman appears to take charge, suggesting they split the bill four ways. “But I didn’t have a margarita,” says one woman, who then adds “but Nancy, you had two!” Nancy retaliates with, “But I’m not the one who asked for guacamole to be made right here at our table. I hate guacamole!” Burt and I can’t help eavesdropping on this scene as the arguing gets louder. “I only had the light plate,” whimpers a tiny lady shrinking into a corner of the booth. After at least 10 minutes of listening to these women arguing, Burt suddenly stands up, walks over to the women’s booth, takes the bill and sweetly says, “Dinner is on me.” I will never forget the shocked faces of those four ladies.

Money

A man will pay two bucks for a one-dollar item he needs. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

Bathrooms

A man has six items in his bathroom: tooth brush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap and a towel. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 items.

Arguments

A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Marriage

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A husband never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting she won’t change, but she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book or get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

       

I have no wisdom to add to these epic thoughts about men and women, but I do need to add a big thank you to my reader-contributors who just made our day.

Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her cat, Purrfect. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories As One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor.” The book, with all proceeds going to the Rotary International Foundation, is available at JC Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie, who can be contacted at [email protected]

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