Bobbie's Beat: The rest of the story

Last week’s subject was how the internet began according to the Bible and mail is still coming in from happy (but skeptical) readers. Some of them say they find this column a nice break from what I call the “ain’t it awful” news you see the moment you turn on your television.  I do need to give credit to my old (and I use that word kindly) school chum Teresa Cavanaugh who lives in Nebraska. She is responsible for many of the day brighteners I use and fortunately most of them are okay for a family newspaper – such as the following:                                        


THE PORCH (author unknown)
I can’t seem to find the scripture to back this up but — On the first day God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”  And God said that it was good.
On the second day God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
 But the human said, “Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
 “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
 So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I’m doing it as a public service.  If you are looking for me, I’ll be on the front porch.

Thanks Teresa for once again making our day.  I don’t remember you being this funny when we were 15.  Now I’m going to go sit on my porch and bark at the neighbors.
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories as One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor” (Dancing Moon Press). The book, with all proceeds going to Rotary Intl. Foundation is available at J.C. Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie at [email protected]

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