Bobbie's Beat: The “F” word

Maybe being quarantined for such a long time is making some of us a bit nuts. I’m wary of writing about the current situation our world is going through, so there will be no “V” word today.  No “P” word, either. I’m watching less and less television because the news is usually about the V, the P or, usually, both. I am still getting submissions from readers with V jokes. People know better than to send anything P-related. For those of you confused regarding the use of letters, let me help you out; the V is for virus and the P is for politics.

The “F” word, to me, is “funny” because, without funny, life would be unbearable. Since I no longer live with a funny person, I depend on my cat, Purrfect, who continues to make me laugh.  She keeps inventing games, most of which will appear in a “Chicken Soup for the Soul” story soon to be published — I will let you know when.

One of her new games is called “hide in the shower stall.” She sits in a far corner of the shower waiting to be noticed. This is my cue to close both doors and pretend to be distressed over my missing cat. Within three minutes, Purrfect will pound on a shower door until I slide it open and act overjoyed to be reunited. She will then march out looking satisfied, tail held high in the shape of a question mark. This is probably the dumbest game we play. I find it amusing, although you are probably thinking, “Yep, Bobbie has definitely gone round the bend.”

On Sundays I usually watch a couple of church services, plenty of which are available virtually via YouTube, Facebook and other websites. I have long been attracted to clergy with a sense of humor. I avoid anything remotely close to hellfire and damnation. Not long ago I mentioned this in a column and got these words back from one of my young — under 50 — readers:  “I grew up forced to go to church with a yelling, pulpit-pounding pastor. I thought God was always angry, and it was years before I learned God is Love! Thank you for sharing your wisdom.”

Here is a humorous story told by one of my favorite clergy-persons: Three men, all pastors of their own congregations, decided to go out in a small boat one lovely afternoon just to get away from their duties. One suggested, since they were good friends, it would be healthy if they each took a turn and confessed something sinful about himself. The first pastor said, “I hate to admit that I have struggled with a drinking problem my whole life. I usually have it under control, but once in a while.…” The second pastor says, “Well, since we’re being so honest with one another, I have to admit that I’m guilty of cheating… on my taxes, and, every once in a while, I just can’t resist.” The men sit quietly, waiting for the third pastor to confess, but he suddenly insists they quickly head back to shore. As he turns to get out of the boat, he looks at his two friends and says, “My sin is not being able to resist gossiping, and if you will excuse me....”

Now, for those of you who like the funny one-liners — all sources unknown.

• • •   

“Do regular dogs see a police dog and think, ‘Oh no, it’s a cop!’”

• • •

“Some people should use a glue stick instead of a ChapStick.”

• • •

“Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.”

• • •

“Little boy: ‘Dad, did you know in other countries you don’t know your wife until you get married?’

‘It’s like that everywhere, son.’”

• • •

That’s it for today.  I hear a funny knocking sound coming from the shower, and need to check it out.

Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her cat, Purrfect. She is the author of “Good Grief: a Collection of Stories as One Woman Journeys from Heartbreak to Healing with Honesty and Humor.” The book, with all proceeds going to Rotary Intl. Fdn., is available at JC Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie at [email protected]


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