Most people who send me day brighteners like seeing their names in print — but not all. And I always make sure to ask. A local seasoned citizen sent the following funny stories with this note: “I am about your age Bobbie, but I don’t want anyone to know it, and I do not want my name in the paper.”
Okay, Mrs. Anonymous, I will respect your wishes, but please know you have brought smiles to many of your friends and neighbors, and also to tourists visiting our community during this holiday week. Many of them buy the News-Times when they are here, then write saying they enjoyed this column. Here goes:
• • •
Tell me this won't happen to us! (anonymous)
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night, the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back, “I don't know. I'll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.”
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf on a fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn't it?"
“No," the second man replied, “It's Thursday.”
And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let's have a beer.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her. Finally she asked, “How soon do you need to know?”
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”
“Heck,” said Herman, “It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red, and they went on through. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”
• • •
If you meet someone today who doesn't have a smile, please give them one of yours.
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her cat, Purrfect. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories As One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor.” The book, with all proceeds going to the Rotary International Foundation, is available at JC Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie, who can be contacted at [email protected]