You regular readers know this column generates mail from around the country. After last week’s piece about my new pet, Purrfect, emails came flooding in from what I call The Cat People, and, in case you care, there are far more homes with cats than dogs.
Today will not be about cats, although several people shared their “cat tails” — maybe material for another day. When out and about, I often hear that readers turn to this column hoping for humor. Well, today’s the day because folks send jokes that are fortunately fodder for a family newspaper. The first one is from reader Sally Smith of Seal Rock.
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one home, it seemed obvious that someone was home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks on the door. Therefore he took out a business card and wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: “Genesis 3:10.” Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.”
A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A Sunday School teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom, she turned into a pillar of salt. One child, Bobby, interrupted. “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. “Mind if I have a few?” he asks. “No, not at all,” the woman replied.
They chat for an hour, and as the preacher starts to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. “I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really meant to eat a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” the woman says, “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash, and it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, “So you’re a priest. That’s interesting; I’m a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we were meant to be friends and live together in peace.”
The priest replies, “Oh, I agree. It’s a miracle that we have survived and are here together.”
“And here’s another miracle,” says the rabbi. “My car is destroyed, but the bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely, God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune,” he says, handing the bottle to the priest.
The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.
“Aren’t you going to have any?” asks the priest.
“Not right now,” says the rabbi. “I think I’ll wait until the police make their report.”
Hope you’re smiling. And the next time you visit a really old person, watch out for that bowl of peanuts on the table.
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her cat, Purrfect. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories As One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor” (Dancing Moon Press). The book, with all proceeds going to Rotary International Foundation, is available on Amazon, at JC Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie, who can be contacted at [email protected]