Bobbie's Beat: Is there hope for homeschool?


Once upon a time, children went to school, daddies went to work, and mommy got to sit down and relax with a second cup of coffee — unless mommy also worked outside the home. Somehow our old routines seemed to work — until a pandemic changed life as we once knew it. There are not-so-subtle changes in the mail from readers. It’s like many people have reached a breaking point. I’m hearing from stressed-out parents and I’m hearing from grandparents who are desperate for a hug from a beloved child. I’m hearing from moms and dads who would love to hand the kids over to someone – anyone!

When a rash of homeschool humor arrived, I knew there should be a column on this subject. All sources are unknown.

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“If the schools are closed for too long, the parents are going to find a vaccine before the scientists do.”

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“If you misbehave, you will be sent to your dad’s office for detention.”

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“I can’t believe the teachers got us watching their kids.”

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“Feeling guilty about your kids watching too much TV? Mute it and turn on the subtitles!  Boom! Now they are reading!”

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“Popular teacher gifts:  2019 – Mugs, apples, cards and flowers. 

2020 – Diamonds, gold Rolex, spa day, alcohol.”

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“I don’t have a favorite kid, but there is one I try extra hard not to wake up.”

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“If you see my kids locked outside today, mind your own business. We are having a fire drill.”

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“There is no lunch lady. 12-noon is culinary arts. Make yourself something.”

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“If you hit your sister, I will smack you. There is no code of ethics. I was tenured before you ever made your arrival on this planet and I sleep with the principal. Try me!”

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“I thought I read that it’s one of Alexa’s features. ‘Alexa. Homeschool the children.’”

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“House rule no. 2: Do you go to the refrigerator at school? Uh, no! So use your school stomach.”

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“If you don’t understand the assignment, ask your older sibling. I probably don’t get it either.”

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“Mommy has to homeschool three kids for 60 days. If she only has one bottle of wine left, how many more bottles should she buy before all liquor stores shut down? Add 50 to that for the actual total of bottles mommy will need to buy.”

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“School begins promptly at the conclusion of my second cup of coffee and ends just as abruptly at cocktail hour, which will be adjusted depending on how big of a disaster the day’s lessons are.”

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If you are stuck at home with the kids, you probably don’t consider the above very funny. I wouldn’t either if time turned back to when we had a daughter in school. One day, Rocki came home asking for help with what was being called “The New Math.” I wasn’t about to admit that I barely squeaked through the old math. I suggested she wait until Burt, the math whiz, came home from work. I watched as they sat down together with her homework assignment. The expression on Burt’s face was priceless.  Whatever happened to The New Math?

News Flash: This just in from a Portland person who misses attending her church: “Church Notice: Since 500 people can safely be in Home Depot, this week’s service will be held in plumbing. Bring your Bible.”

Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her cat, Purrfect. She is the author of “Good Grief: a Collection of Stories as One Woman Journeys from Heartbreak to Healing with Honesty and Humor.” The book, with all proceeds going to Rotary Intl. Fdn., is available at JC Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie at b[email protected]

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