Readers are great at sending humorous, upbeat day brighteners that are fun to share in this column, but a certain something has been showing up in various versions from various people, and the darn thing is haunting me. I call it a “teeth grinder,” rather than a day brightener. My research department failed to find out who wrote it. Here it is:
In The Beginning (author unknown)
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and populated the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's ice cream and Krispy Kreme donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And man said, “Yes," and woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
So God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And woman went from a size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented bleu cheese dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the feast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight, and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "angel food cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "devil's food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with the remote control so man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them, and man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And man replied, "Yes! And supersize them!" And Satan said, "It is good," and man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And then Satan created HMOs.
It’s up to you to decide if its funny or just plain weird. My thought is there is someone out there with way too much time on his or her hands.
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with Bentley, a joint-custody dog. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories As One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor” (Dancing Moon Press). The book (with all proceeds going to Rotary International) is available at JC Market in Newport and also directly from Bobbie, who can be contacted at [email protected]