Well now, in 30 years of writing this column, I never know when a particular subject is going to strike gold, but readers are still responding to last week’s subject — basically by submitting more humor.
• • •
The following was sent in by Mary Lou Mate, of Newport:
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!” The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like crazy.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly grey hair and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
• • •
The following was submitted by Art Bradley, of Otter Rock, though the author is unknown:
This is what we, who are age 70 or 80 years plus, can look forward to:
This happened at an assisted-living center. The people who lived there had small apartments, but they all ate at a central cafeteria. One morning, one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast, so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was okay. She could hear him through the door that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later, he still hadn’t arrived, so she went back up toward his room but found him on the stairs. He was having a hard time. He had a death-grip on the handrail and couldn’t seem to get his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her not to because he was not having any pain and just wanted his breakfast.
So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to even get up the first step, so they called the ambulance for him. A couple of hours later, she called the hospital to see how he was doing. She was told he was fine, but had gotten both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.
I’m sending this to my children so they don’t sell the house before they know all the facts.
• • •
To quote a line from last week’s column: “Aging is not for wimps.”
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her cat, Purrfect. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories As One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor.” The book, with all proceeds going to the Rotary International Foundation, is available at JC Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie, who can be contacted at [email protected]