Recently at a local event, a lady introduced herself as a fan of this column. She said she loves the ones that make her laugh, and I certainly hope she finds at least two or three things in the following day brightener funny. This is for you, Rose.
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The Cynical Philosopher (author unknown)
- I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
- Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather — not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom — until they are flashing behind you.
- When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 percent of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
- A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
- America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
- I think my neighbor is stalking me, as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
- Money talks — but all mine ever says is goodbye.
- You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
- If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
- I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named “Sag Harbor.”
- My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon, and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
- The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.
- The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
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Now I’m getting concerned that nothing in the above caused Rose to LOL, so let’s add this one to make sure. We just can’t have any unhappy readers, right? By the way, at that same event, a friend whom I would describe as a gracious and classy lady told me this joke: “I read that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?”
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her cat, Purrfect. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories As One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor” (Dancing Moon Press). The book, with all proceeds going to Rotary International Foundation, is available on Amazon, at JC Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie, who can be contacted at [email protected]