The following day brightener was sent to me by seven people, so no one gets credit (author unknown). Here goes:
You can retire to Tucson, Ariz., where:
- You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade;
- You've experienced condensation on your rear end from the water in the toilet bowl;
- You can drive four hours in one direction and never leave town;
- You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food;
- You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees;
- The four seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You can retire to California, where:
- You make over $450,000, and you still can't afford to buy a house;
- The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway;
- You know how to eat an artichoke;
- When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is;
- The four seasons are fire, flood, mud and drought.
You can retire to New York City, where:
- You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan;
- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but you can't find Wisconsin on a map;
- You think Central Park is "nature;"
- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual;
- You've worn out a car horn (if you have a car);
- You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Minnesota, where:
- You only have three spices — salt, pepper and ketchup;
- Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas;
- You have 17 recipes for casserole;
- Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons;
- The four seasons are almost winter, winter, still winter and road repair;
- The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"
You can retire to the Deep South, where:
- You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store;
- "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural;
- "He needed killin" is a valid defense;
- Everyone has two first names — Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Tammy Lou, etc.;
- Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder;”
- You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "bless his heart” at the end.
You can move to Colorado, where:
- You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car;
- You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center;
- A pass does not involve a football or dating;
- The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to Nebraska, where:
- You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name;
- Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor;
- You have had to switch from "heat" to "AC" on the same day;
- You end sentences with a preposition — "Where's my coat at?"
You can retire to Florida, where:
- You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon;
- All purchases include a coupon of some kind;
- Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist;
- Road construction never ends anywhere in the state;
- Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
I could not resist adding the following:
If you retire to the Oregon coast:
- You better love the color green;
- You have to get used to pleasant people who wait on you and teenagers who don’t give you the finger for driving less than 80 mph;
- You never get over seeing a herd of elk grazing peacefully in a field;
- You can find a quiet beach where you can legally romp with your dog;
- You will find it hard to sit home and vegetate because there are too many things going on — often on the same night.
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with Waldo, her robot. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories As One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor” (Dancing Moon Press). The book (with all proceeds going to Rotary International) is available at JC Market in Newport and also directly from Bobbie, who can be contacted at [email protected]