Bobbie's Beat: Book report


I refer to my Omaha high school chum Teresa as “the doyenne of day brighteners.” She not only sends me the most, but often it will be a day brightener I have never seen before, so it’s only fair to give her credit. I bet you have never seen a book report quite like the following:

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Biblical Book Report

(Author unknown)

A child was asked to write a book report on the Bible. Here is what he wrote. 

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said “Give me a light” and someone did. 

Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden, but I’m not sure what they were driven in because they didn't have cars. 

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon, all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family
and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. 

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
    

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent 10 plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance or covet your neighbor's stuff.  Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: humor thy father and thy mother.


One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon, who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
   

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the beach. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to
worry about them.
    

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the
New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you born in a barn?” It would be neat to say yes.
   

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had 12 opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable
after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
   

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.

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I’m not convinced a kid wrote this, but it does show up on the internet with no information about the author. And who am I to question what is on the internet? I cracked up over Judas Asparagus and the manicotti. Thanks, Teresa, for giving us all some laughter today. 

 

Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her cat, Purrfect. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories As One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor.” The book, with all proceeds going to the Rotary International Foundation, is available at JC Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie, who can be contacted at [email protected]

 

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