Bobbie's Beat: Bird tracks and birthdays


You are getting a brief column today with a funny day brightener, compliments of my friend, Margaret Gaines, who lives in Tucson. She goes by Peggy, but I’m trying to be a bit more proper — just for this week, which is extra busy because friends insist on making a big deal out of my birthday. 

As a New Year’s baby with a birthday right after midnight, here are some of my thoughts. First of all, I do believe New Year’s babies get short-changed. For instance, my father never forgave me for not being a tax deduction (family joke). At midnight on New Year’s Eve, nobody cares that its your birthday. People are too busy celebrating the New Year and you are the kid in the corner pouting and mumbling, “But its my birthday!”

In my whole life, I’m pretty sure there has only been one party on my actual birthday — my 16th, and it was a daytime party with Kool-Aid and cake. I got to invite seven girlfriends who chipped in and gave me a parakeet. I loved Pretty Boy and kept the cage in my room, but my parents issued orders that the bird was to stay in his cage. Of course, I “forgot” on one particular Sunday when a gaggle of stodgy Scandinavians came to dinner after church.  There we were, seated at our large dining room table saying grace, when suddenly I heard a flapping sound as Pretty Boy swooped into the room, circled over all the bowed heads and landed on grandma’s gravy boat. As if this wasn’t disgusting enough, the bird then  marched across the lumpy gravy leaving a trail of bird tracks, lost appetites and a teenager in big trouble. 

In case you don’t find that funny, here is your chuckle for today.

•     •     •

  1. My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
  2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza, are you happy?
  3. How to prepare tofu:
a) throw it in the trash; b) grill some meat, chicken or fish.
  4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
  5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
  6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
  7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
  8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
  9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.
  10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
  11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget five others.
  12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.
  13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
  14. Nov. 4, 2018 marked the end of Daylight Saving Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
  15. Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
  • •     •     •

Thanks Margaret for making our day.  Happy 2019 everyone!

 

Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her cat, Purrfect. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories As One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor.” The book, with all proceeds going to Rotary International Foundation, is available on Amazon, at JC Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie, who can be contacted at [email protected]


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