I just received the following from several readers, and I’m not labeling it a “day brightener” — it’s too scary. Brace yourselves for a look at our future.
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Caller: Is this Paul’s Pizza Place?
Major Internet Search Engine: No sir, its Major’s Pizza.
Caller: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
Major: No sir, Major bought Paul’s Pizza last month.
Caller: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
Major: Do you want your usual, sir?
My usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
Caller: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
Caller: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
Major: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
Caller: How the heck do you know that?
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last seven years.
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, four months ago.
Caller: I bought more from another pharmacy.
Major: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
I paid in cash.
Major: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
Caller: I have other sources of cash.
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
Caller: WHAT THE…..?!!
Major: I’m sorry sir. We use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
Caller: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Major, Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
Major: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired six weeks ago...welcome to the future!
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Well, that makes me want to turn back time to when life seemed so simple. For those of you who stress about what the future holds, let me leave you with this definite day brightener, especially for those of you who have little people living in your home:
“My kids wanted to know what it was like for me growing up. So I took away their phones, shut off the internet, gave them a popsicle and told them to go outside until the street lights came on.”
• • •
Is it just me, or do you also miss the good old days?
Bobbie Lippman is a professional writer who lives in Seal Rock with her cat, Purrfect. She is the author of “Good Grief: A Collection of Stories As One Woman Journeys From Heartbreak To Healing Through Honesty and Humor.” The book, with all proceeds going to the Rotary International Foundation, is available at JC Market in Newport and directly from Bobbie, who can be contacted at [email protected]